Pressure to Perform

I’m feeling inadequate.  I’ve lost my confidence.  I think I may be sliding back into my depression again.  And I definitely don’t think that I am good enough.

So I look for inspiration.  And I feel worse.  The truth of the matter is that I will never run a marathon.  I will never climb a mountain.  I will never skydive.  I will never cure millions of people with some clever invention.  I will never be able to drink green smoothies without throwing them straight back up again.  I will never be thin and gorgeous.  I will never make a million.  I will never be a saint.

Don’t get me wrong, the fact that some people do these things is great and I absolutely applaud them for it.  But telling me not to let MS or diabetes stop me from doing these things doesn’t have any effect on me.  I know a lot of people without any illnesses who wouldn’t do any of those things. Half of these great achievements don’t even appeal to me.  I want to live life doing the everyday things and to value those things.  I want to make dinner for my family and be grateful that I have food to give them and the means to make a nice meal. (Except for that moussaka I once tried to make but we’ll gloss over that!)  I want to iron shirts for my family and take some comfort and pride that I send them off to school and work looking clean and smart.  I want to walk up the road to the shop safe in the knowledge that this is possible and that I don’t live in a war zone.  Where are these ‘everyday’ things celebrated?

Achievable goals motivate and inspire me.  There is a common belief that exercise and low weight is the solution to all our problems.  What if medication makes us put on weight and illnesses prevent us from exercising as much as we want?  Does shouting about the benefits of exercise and berating those that are overweight help those in that situation?  No, it doesn’t. Instead, it acts like beating us with a large stick which leads us into feeling bad about ourselves and therefore all confidence and motivation is lost.  Instead, I try to keep as fit as I can within the confines of my life.  Not thin.  Not on the latest diet of bug larvae.

I love the folk who celebrate getting through each day as a win.  Those folk who appreciate their weekends as they have a chance to be themselves.  Those that don’t take themselves too seriously and those that take time to listen to others and make them smile.  These are the people I find are my inspiration.  Those who are happy with their lives.  They may run marathons and skydive too, but it’s not that aspect of their lives that inspire me.

I am a simple soul with a simple life.  And that’s where my goals, motivation and inspiration come from.  Getting through each day in one piece.  Especially those days when each minute has been spent in pain and discomfort.  I will leave the mountain climbing marathon running to others.  And continue gathering my inspiration from my friends.  You are the people I want to celebrate!  You are my inspiration.


Author: julesedwards1

I want to use this blog to relate some of my experiences, mainly revolving around Diabetes, MS and depression. I don't have any medical background and I don't seek to tell anyone what to do. In this life i have learned that there is no right or wrong way to do anything. All I offer is my own experiences in the hope that it will make me understand myself better and maybe help you, the reader, if you recognise things in my life that are maybe happening in yours. You are not alone :-)

2 thoughts on “Pressure to Perform”

  1. I would still like to do some challenges but accept that with chronic illness and uncontrollable pain get through each day is enough of a challenge. I do try to make a difference to other people that I meet.

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